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Anger and hatred are very different. Anger is an evolved emotion with a specific function: it helps us bargain for better treatment. If you anger me, I may respond in ways that attempt to recalibrate how you treat me—by inflicting costs or withholding benefits. Anger is typically expressed through...

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Gabor Maté: The parts of you filled with hatred, addiction, and self-loathing all deserve compassion. They came along to protect you. Most of us treat our darkest inner states like enemies to be defeated. The shame, the compulsions, the voice that says you're not enough. We want to cut them out. Gabor Maté sees it differently. "The parts most filled with hatred, the parts that are addicted, the parts that are even full of self-loathing, they all deserve compassion. They all deserve to be held and understood. And they all came along for a reason." That reason, he explains, is survival. When a child isn't getting their needs met or worse, is being hurt, they face an impossible situation. They can make one of only two unconscious assumptions about their world. The first: this is a terrible world, I'm all alone, everybody is against me. The second: there is something wrong with me, and if I work hard enough, maybe I can fix it. Which one can a child actually live with? "To assume that the world is that dangerous is just unbearable for the child. It's also turning the anger towards the adults against yourself which is a lot safer. It's not very safe to be angry with your parents all the time when you're 2 years old." So the child chooses self-blame. It's the only assumption that gives them any sense of agency. If it's my fault, then maybe I can do something about it. That self-loathing voice was a coping mechanism. A piece of the psyche that stepped forward to make life bearable. The work, then, isn't to silence or destroy these parts. It's to finally see what they were trying to do and to offer them the understanding they never received.

Kevin Tanaka

27,318 Aufrufe • vor 3 Monaten