This is the full version of Sparkles' latest banger. The extra verses are superb as he lists his sexual fetishes - Rubbing mustard in his eyes, rubbing himself in lemon juice.

Herbert and Sparkles in happier times.

That does look like Herbert! Just a bit balder.

Brings a whole new perspective to The Kinks! Not exactly Mozart is it, poor sod couldn’t hit a note with a bloody baseball bat.

He's back in the music business in a big way. The big way being his feet, mostly.

He just used the demo button on the Casio! Cheat!

That is dismissing the velvety vocals, the actual talent, you meanie.

Silky smooth, I mistook him for Bill Withers.

Is this actually real?

Yeah, he uploaded it to his Sparkles YouTube channel.

I mean it’s something you could imagine your 4 year old doing. And you’d have to smile and say ‘well done. Brilliant’ 🤣🤣

I would have been a better parent and said, "Let's concentrate on your maths and English."

🤣🤣🤣 crushing his little dreams for the harsh world of work.

That’s what he needed in life, and he is what happens when parents praise every failure. Harsh, but true. Look at Maugham.

Maugham is a serious fuck up. He’s damaged his own girls beyond all repair. Euan has become his dead sister, presumably for his mother’s attention. Fucked up Trune life

I couldn't finish listening to it. Crikey, he is AWFUL. In so many ways.

Wimp.

IKR? I need to try harder.

It seems like a parody but by read about it, I can tell it’s definitely real. lol I dies at the ‘scare a bear’ lyric. It also makes no coherent sense and hurts the ears. 😂🤬

What in the name of Keith Richards did I just listen to...

Mountain sized needles mate, mountain sized needles.

He needs sectioned and kept away from musical instruments.

That's amazing 👏

It is, on so many levels.

He doesn’t hit the notes; he creates new ones.

The sign of absolute talent. Pre-determined boundaries aren't holding him back.

Is he using, and abusing, a stylophone?

I give you big props for being able to listen to that. I made it 30 seconds. Absolutely horrific song. He shouldn't make "songs"

According to very clever physicists, somewhere in the multiverse there exists a 12” extended remix of this. Just to ruin everyone’s Thursday that bit more.

Saw this is Rhodes today

I'm a strong believer in coincidences, and somebody earlier pointed out that Rhodes is Willoughby's son's name, from a Sun article.

I love a coincidence!

Yeah the imagined tortures are very domestic and available in Morrisons except the thorns. But he’ll have encountered them on his imaginary hikes for Heather’s Kidney no doubt But now I’ve got this fucking four note melodeon dirge as an earworm so thanks a bunch 😩😂

It's groovy.

I couldn’t help myself

Mesmerising due to the abysmal content. The one lingered keyboard and two note voice drone... He's still looking to be a support act for an unsuspecting musician?

Is he doing that on a casio electronic organ that most kids get for christmas when they are 7 or 8? It made my ears bleed. He's not even 'singing'.

So even his friends think he's a loser? Figures

Shades of the Velvet Underground coupled with the lyrical mastery of Dylan & with a subtle homage to Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band's 'My Pink Half of the Drainpipe'.

Is he accompanying himself on one of those Rolf Harris thingamyjobs?

That's awesome. What did he use for the backing - a Rolf Harris Stylophone from the 1970s?

STOP IT. I think I might laugh a lung up.

I've got a fiver at William Hill that says it'll be a Christmas Number 1.

Operation let them ‘sing’?

Fuck me I might try HRT, now I've seen how talented it's made him.. I've always wanted to paint maybe I'll be able to after a couple of months

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest he should keep at the songwriting because there is infinitely more chance of him writing a decent one than there is of him ever becoming a woman.

I thought ‘poverteee is a prison’ was dire - but this really is just utter sh*te

He sounds like John Shuttleworth

It's only with the very best Scottish singers that you can still detect a Scottish accent in their singing voice. The Proclaimers, um....

I’m laughing so hard. Produced by people who like Stock Aitken Waterman, he is gonna come out dressed like a cross between Hazell Dean and Sinitta isn’t he?

Catchy! 🎶🎶 loving that keyboard riff 🙌🏼

It's banging!

Possibly a rubber band

It's a bit Fall-ish. Could one day be a terf anthem

Is he spelling a song 🤔😅