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38,600 次观看 • 1 年前 •via X (Twitter)

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Today I ran into a condition that everyone here is probably familiar with: what I call a brain melt (“poplava”). No point beating around the bush – my mental health has been on a roller coaster, albeit well within the boundaries of psychiatry, since 2015, when I lost my first pregnancy. I developed a full-blown clinical depression, and for years I stubbornly refused to treat it with medication because, well, wasn’t I supposed to be strong enough to handle it on my own? By the time I finally agreed to antidepressants, I was in terrible shape. I’d gone through a second pregnancy loss, then had a baby, started supporting the whole family with a full-time job when my son was only three months old, and then COVID lockdowns hit. In hindsight, I’m incredibly lucky I was already on antidepressants when the full-scale invasion began. During the first two years of the war, I burned through every reserve I’d built up over the previous years – mental, physical, and financial. Then, in 2024, I simply hit a wall. I became deeply immersed in the reality of what was happening on the front line, in the occupied territories, and in the filtration camps. A criminal case was opened against me in Russia, my bank accounts and PayPal were shut down, and the Russians even identified my home in Belgium. It was… eventful. That’s when I had my first real, proper poplava. For the first time in my life, I developed severe headaches, obsessive thoughts that went round and round in circles, and, simply because the state itself became unbearable, suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, I seem to have been blessed with a fundamentally resilient mind. I recognized what was happening, went to my doctor and psychologist, and together we figured out what to do next. I know my level of stress isn’t comparable to that of people who live under constant shelling. But because of the work I do, it’s still rather a lot. It is just a different kind of stress – highly unpredictable. You never know where the next blow is going to come from. I’ve never used any hard medication, thankfully, so my mind has always been clear. I drink alcohol very rarely, I don’t smoke, I don’t use drugs, I stay physically active, and I try to get enough sleep. All of that helps. Over the past year, I’ve managed to get my mental state back to something close to what it was before the war and, in many ways, I’ve finally found a sense of inner peace. That said, these days almost any stressful event still triggers the same pattern: looping thoughts and headaches. I know the signs now, so after something stressful happens, I gently start checking in with myself. “Hang on… how many times have you thought this exact thought already? How many times have you sent that message? Are you getting unnecessarily combative in the comments? How’s your head? Maybe an ibuprofen? Maybe some passionflower?” Usually that’s enough, and I can get back to work. Still, I have a feeling that one day I’ll end up living in the woods, praying to a wagon wheel, with the internet permanently switched off. But only after the war is over. I guess I owe you all money for today’s therapy session.

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