Christmas Vacation

@VacationQuotes • 50,181 subscribers

Can’t see the line, can you Russ?

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Christmas Vacation

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Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead? Nah I'm doing just fine, Clark. Just glad to be here.

You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced because every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so.

Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn into the carpet I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now.

You serious, Clark?

And if it wouldn’t be too much, I’d like to get something for you, Clark. Something 👌🏼really nice.

Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, he'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak woman.

That's something ain't it, huh? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. I don't know!

Worse! How could they get any worse?! Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!

Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they–hotter than they are!

My counsin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain. I appreciate that, Clark.

Yes, yes, it is. It's a bit nipply out – I mean nippy out!

Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead? Naw I'm doing just fine, Clark. Just glad to be here.

SQUIRREL!!!

He's got another car, he can drive! I have to eat so I can take my back pill!

And when Santa squeezes his fat, white ass down that chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!

Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

That thing had nine lives, she just spent 'em all...WOO!

You smell something? Fried pussy cat!

Corporate cards...

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Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic getting cured off the Wild Turkey. And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career. College? Carnival.

And why is the carpet all wet, TODD? I don't KNOW, Margo!

Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!

Can't see the line. Can you, Russ?

Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn...the clean, cool chill of the holiday air...and an asshole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

Grace! She passed away thirty years ago!

So what's the matter with you?

Only problem is he's got a little bit of Mississippi leg hound in him. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la – take it, Russ! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the Untied States of America, and to the republic, for which it stands; one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Amen

He worked really hard, grandma. So do washing machines.

She wrapped up her damn cat!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!🎵

Save the neck for me, Clark!

Hey! If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. And I want him brought from his happy, holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, 🧵

Oh he's just yackin' on a bone. He got it up! He's alright now!

Oh boy, this is a surprise, Clark. This is just a real nice surprise! Just a real nice surprise!