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Dr. Arthur Brooks has a simple rule that changed his life: No devices after 7 p.m., no phones at meals, no phone in the bedroom. He calls the initial withdrawal “like children screaming in my head”—pure dopamine addiction begging for the screen. But after the storm passes? Calm, blessing,... show more
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![Airbnb co-founder and CEO Brian Chesky explains the one thing Barack Obama told him that changed how he thinks about relationships: Chesky went to Obama at a point when he thought what he was missing was romance. "I remember telling him, I think I need to be in another relationship. And he said, I don't think you yet need to be in a relationship. I think what you need are friends." Chesky's first reaction was defensive: "And I thought to myself, but I have friends. What do you mean?" Then Obama explained what he actually meant. He described his own circle, a small fixed set of people, most of whom predated the presidency: "He had these like 15 people in his life, many of them... mostly before he was president. And they were totally connected." Fifteen people who were current on his life at all times. That's when the distinction landed for Chesky. He had people, but not connection, and there was a simple test that separated the two: "I realized I had all these people in my life. But if I call them first, they [say] what's going on? Like what's new with you? And I have to get them all up to speed in my life." Brian Chesky states the rule directly: "If you have someone in your life where if you were to call them or text them, you have to get them up to speed, then you're not connected. People you're connected to are already up to speed." The measure isn't how many people you know or how often you see them. It's whether you have to brief them before you can say anything real. From there Chesky makes a claim that cuts against how most people experience loneliness: "I actually think that most of us being alone or being lonely is an illusion. Or maybe the illusion is that like people don't love us. And the fact is we have all these people, but we're not reaching out to them. And they're also not reaching out to us. And everyone's waiting for someone else to take some initiative." What's missing is anyone willing to move first. And the friction is close to zero: "And it seems crazy cuz we're just a text message away from our entire life." So why doesn't it happen? Chesky points at the substitute we reach for instead: "And yet what do we do? We open the phone and instead of texting people or facetiming them or like seeing them, we — what do we do? Open social media." Then he gives the image that makes the whole thing click: "So opening social media is like going to a dinner party except you don't go inside. You're looking in the window." He's careful not to write the platforms off entirely: "It's great if it's a way station to meet people but if you're just look in the window and that's your social life then you're going to feel really sad." The trouble starts when the window becomes the room. You see who's there, who's laughing, who's with whom, and none of it counts as attendance. You put the phone down feeling like you were social, and somehow worse. Chesky ends with an instruction rather than an observation: "So knock on the door and walk in."](https://image.24vids.com/tw-2094440458470768641/amplify_video_thumb/2094440370562293762/img/aAGMgXUX1g9wkc1E.jpg)