Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda • 1,082,142 subscribers

'This is home; if it takes 20 years, we will wait.'

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Gabriel Oguda

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The Kenya Met Department wishes to remind members of the Abagusii community who are yet to clear their drainages to kindly do so immediately, because the El Nino they were promised is already doing press ups.

Guess who's back!

BREAKING: Ababu Namwamba is seeing bad things at the Carnivore Restaurant right now. They will not believe. They will not believe.

We would've asked what Uhuru was doing with our money, but we're humble children of God who are thankful for the little graces we've been accorded since we started walking in the light. In 2027, you already know what will happen to your teeth.

Dagoretti South MP John Kiarie went to a funeral to explain why he voted YES to the Finance Bill 2024, and it didn't take long before they took the mic off his hands and told him to go home to his family. They will not believe. They will not believe.

Gen Z's have helped themselves with a horse from one the cops who were harassing them in town. They will not believe. They will not believe.

Ni kama Kiburi imebaki na Manchester United only. Tears in my eyes.

They will not believe. They will not believe.

When you love your shoes more than Christ loved the church.

What was Uhuru doing with many people?

BREAKING NEWS: Azimio protesters captured on camera looting gas cylinders after Rigathi Gachagua called them idlers who only know how to destroy businesses.

They said ODM is dead and buried with Baba. They didn't know we were seeds.

Daktari, William Samoei Ruto, PhD. Whether you refuse to postpone the reopening of schools tomorrow, parents will not risk their children because of your Govt's failure to be responsible for their safety and security. We promise you that next time, we will vote wisely.

Bondo mandazi trader with his spokesperson Salim Lone ushering guests at his kiosk where they had sent him to fry mandazi inside a disused saucepan.

LIVE SCENES from Mathare.

BREAKING: While others are coming back from their US trip to reward Harambee Stars with 32 teeth and two pipettes of saliva, Baba has topped up the Ksh2.5m with half a million each. Bwana, I think I'm in the wrong profession.

When you start smelling the aroma of rice and beef stew across the tent, but the band can't stop for you to go eat.

Hon. Justin Muturi, EGH Kwani huyu ni nani, Baba Leslie? Tumewaonea 18. We will be there.

Unadhani ni DCI amegonga mlango, kumbe ni neighbour ameweka roots.

One day Kenyans will wake up to find the Gov't has banned TikTok, but before then we will be there no matter what.

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BREAKING: Speaking in Migori town, Siaya Governor James Orengo has warned Linda Mwananchi financiers against imposing a presidential candidate on their supporters, warning that it is against the spirit of the 2010 Constitution that Kenyans fought for. Someone give Uhuru the mic.

Raphael Tuju says the Broadbased Gov't was formed in his house and has dared those who were in the room to deny it. He also has some secrets you never knew before, and almost ruined the mood of those in the tent at the tail end. This is the version of Tuju that we had missed.

Guard Aguko anauliza kama huko nyuma mnamuona vizuri. Yeye Ndio Party Leader.

Handsome Boy can't catch a breather. He will have to beg Gachagua to cut short his US trip to come save him, since Ouru is still nursing a hangover.

When you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.

Mike Sonko is back in circulation, just when the match sheets were about to be wrapped up. Mliambiwa Game ni 90, mkasema you shall see.

Kuwakumbusha tu.

Someone tell Seth Panyako to put on his helmet already. Some falling objects from Linda Uhuru are about to land on him shortly.

BREAKING: President of the Luo Council of Elders, Ker Odungi Randa, issues a stern warning to any son or daughter of the Luo community betraying the community's political path; that they risk receiving an elderly curse that will spell doom for them and their progeny.

GenZ have told Orengo that kama ni yeye afadhali waharibu kura. It's not even 2027 and there's already weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Over there in Machakos, Dr Alfred Mutua has decided he shall do the Lord's work, as he waits for the second coming of Jesus Christ.

This is the man someone who's been snoring like a tractor for 40 years is waiting to line up against in 2027.

Reverend John Mbadi Nyang' returned to Parliament to continue from where he had left off with the Lord's work. We're now into first half stoppage time.

Uhuru Kenyatta had the power to light up Homa Bay, eliminate the dusty streets and dignify the livelihoods of itinerant traders, but he chose to enjoy our money on things made from the hands of man. We have forgiven him for treating us like children of a lesser God.

My University of Bergen senior has decided to come out of the water and alert all Kenyans that the crocodile is chronically sick. But you already knew that anyway.

It has taken us painstaking work to build this town brick by brick. Those coming to Homa Bay town, we'd appreciate it if you carried your litter in your pocket, and tale them to Uhuru Kenyatta when you return to your homes.

We hope Joe Nyutu is well, after this video arrived at Wamunyoro earlier this morning.

Hapo nyuma mnatuona? Sisi Ndio Morani.

If you want to finish Cleophas Malala in the first half of a panel discussion, ask the show host to begin with the subject of moles, and watch the referee rush to the VAR booth straight from kickoff.

Hapo nyuma mnatuona vizuri? Sisi Ndio Shiny Things.