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Asmongold goes on a five minute rant about every single thing going wrong in his life at once "I go to clean up my room and I can't even get to my cable. Then I don't have a sheet cover so I have to go to Target. Then the... check engine light comes on, on the way over to Target. They rotated the tires for $400." "I spent $270 at Target because I bought these unicorn cupcakes that look like the trans flag. I don't give a fuck I'm gonna eat them. Then I forgot to take the garbage out so the garbage can's full and there's a dead animal in the garbage can. Three vacuum cleaners, how many work? 0.5. Nobody knows where the crevice tool is." "Then I get a phone call that there's a money problem. People have money they're not supposed to have and other people don't have money they are supposed to have. Then the mouse gets stuck in my hair. There's a bird stuck in the chimney. There's no beef jerky at Target. This is my last Dr Pepper. My life is built on a house of cards and it's a windy day. Every day is windy."show more

Asmongold Updates

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313,755 views • 4 months ago •via X (Twitter)

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31 Comments

Eeveeon4 months ago

My life is build on a House of cards and it's a windy day, goes unironically hard AF

dark4 months ago

90% of this are just every day problems. i'm willing to bet everyone reading this comment can go into a 2 paragraph rant about the random problems in their lives.

Tony Reggaetoni 🇸🇻4 months ago

Dude never grew up. His mom babied him for too long. Seen it dozens of times

Asmongold Updates4 months ago

FT @Asmongold @kick @rumblevideo

TheRedHeadHenry4 months ago

His rants lead into more ridiculous rants: “I have to drive my car, but then I have to drive my car and then I get to where I need to go- I don’t wanna do that; I don’t wanna leave. Oh and I smell bad but my shower shoots water at me. So I have to go outside to use a hose but the hose spits water at me too- so I use toilet water inside. Like why can’t I just hire a maid or a cleaning woman? I can’t because I don’t know how to communicate in person- and my fucking toenails stick to the carpet so I’m always fucking tripping, falling face first into my dirty ass carpet that smells like burnt pine cone, molded cheese, and curdled milk.” Burh.

litlgunner4 months ago

Damn. I could use a good paying butler job... I'll do general maintenance on the car, pickup groceries, dr pepper, make cake because why eat cupcakes when you can have a whole cake, hell I will make dr pepper cake with dr pepper icing, get sheets, new t shirt packs.... you clean your own house though... I draw the line there...

SgtZim4 months ago

People saying he should hire people to do the work, don't quite understand that he doesn't want anyone around him or in his personal space. If that means shit doesn't get cleaned, it's the lesser of two evils for him. You guys don't grasp the antisocial mindset.

Steven Moore4 months ago

Finally, someone put it into words.

Captain Aaron4 months ago

Being rich means you can have people that deal with the minutia in life so that it frees up time for you to whatever fulfills you. Time is the ultimate wealth. It’s sad when you see someone suck at being rich.

KD4 months ago

Given how much he makes he should just hire a cleaning service and hire someone to fix up his house and get rid of any critters.

RC4 months ago

I thought he had money? Why not hire a cleaning service on the regular

Phathom4 months ago

Dude can hire a maid, one and done.

Stinky Pete4 months ago

$400 for rotating the tires??? 😭

Tim Prall4 months ago

He's a sniveling man child, of course he complains about standard mundane adult responsibilities

The Slop Cop4 months ago

99/100 events happening chain-traced back to jews with evidence - Asmon mocking us: "id's DA JOOOS!! gtfoh" 5/1000 things go wrong for HIM once in a blue moon - Asmon: "the universe is against me!! IT HATES ME!! EVERYTHING bad happens ONLY to ME and NOBODY else!!" Holy fuck.

Luca4 months ago

We all have been there buddy

AmericanApologist4 months ago

Dude needs to hire an assistant and just hire deep cleaners already.

Garlicjr4 months ago

asmongold is a spoiled only child, he's never had to do anything in his life, even before he got rich off streaming his parents did everything for him and got him whatever he wanted. he has turned a bad lifestyle into a larp that he cant escape from. he'll be aight.

FTY4 months ago

What's more impressive is the fact that Nintendo downloads are still slow as shit, like they're stuck on dialup in the 1990s.

Cranky Veteran🇺🇸4 months ago

He should just hire an assistant to help him out.

Joe Casey4 months ago

Infinite money and he doesn't have an assistant to do all these little jobs?

MoundLore4 months ago

He’s still acting like a normal guy?! Come on 🙃

ImJCyo4 months ago

"I am a dumbass, I cause my own problems, and then I go on regular rants where I say the wildest shit. Feel sorry for me. I'm a millionaire that lives like a bum." That's what I get from these rants.

CF4 months ago

$400 to rotate tires? This man has no life skills what-so-ever, and what does that even have to do with check engine lights? What a clown.

couch_c00p4 months ago

Being worth 5 Million dollars and still having a life in that sort of state, points to a bigger problem. It's also an insult to everyone else that manages on a fraction of that income. Great streamer but painfully out of touch, like the majority of them.

Am_Tortol4 months ago

Bro said im trans fat 😂😂🤣🤣😭😭

Gloomy Peasant4 months ago

Some days are like that.

Redblade4 months ago

Just imagine if he had enough money to solve 90% of those issues with little to no effort...oh wait!

Hoosier Tenderloin4 months ago

Tire rotation costs $400? Did he have the dealership do it? Lodie.

acat4 months ago

Last week, this manchild was telling you that Americans are not oppressed by the top 2%; and it's the bottom 2% doing the oppressing. This is your goated political commentator, don't be embarrassed now. Guy has millions of dollars, btw.

Duradal4 months ago

Asmon needs to have an exterminator put wiring across the chimney and have them seal all the gaps in the house to stop animals getting in. Its a bit pricey once off but it'll reduce all the animal / rodent related issues.

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507,037 views • 1 year ago

Jesse Eisenberg says he hates vacation so much that losing his passport made Turks and Caicos better "I'm not a beach person. I don't like when it's hot or if there's sand or if people are happy" "on the second day, a miracle occurred, which is that I lost my passport... and then it was amazing cause then I had a task" "I reported my passport as lost... then I got to the airport and they say, right this way and of course we have your passport" "I didn't think to check the airport... I was too distracted being happy about dealing with the embassy"

Jesse Eisenberg says he hates vacation so much that losing his passport made Turks and Caicos better "I'm not a beach person. I don't like when it's hot or if there's sand or if people are happy" "on the second day, a miracle occurred, which is that I lost my passport... and then it was amazing cause then I had a task" "I reported my passport as lost... then I got to the airport and they say, right this way and of course we have your passport" "I didn't think to check the airport... I was too distracted being happy about dealing with the embassy"

Yonan

2,579,657 views • 4 months ago

Americans can’t survive with the cost of housing and nobody in Congress seems to care American says she’s works full time and doesn’t have a single dollar left over after paying rent and bills, she can’t even afford groceries. “What is the point?” “How are we supposed to survive anymore? I'm sitting here waiting to go into work. I work 40 hours a week. I make $15 an hour, which is better than a lot of other places that I've worked or applied for. And I can't afford anything. I have nothing left over after I pay for rent and my bills and I don't even have a car payment. I don't pay for my phone. My parents still take care of that for me, thank goodness. I'm glad I have parents that still support me in some way. But yeah, so it's like I can't even pay for groceries and what am I supposed to do? I don't want to go into work because I'm not making. I'm not making any money. And what is the point? What is the point? So genuinely, what should I do? Because I don't know how much longer I can do this.”

Americans can’t survive with the cost of housing and nobody in Congress seems to care American says she’s works full time and doesn’t have a single dollar left over after paying rent and bills, she can’t even afford groceries. “What is the point?” “How are we supposed to survive anymore? I'm sitting here waiting to go into work. I work 40 hours a week. I make $15 an hour, which is better than a lot of other places that I've worked or applied for. And I can't afford anything. I have nothing left over after I pay for rent and my bills and I don't even have a car payment. I don't pay for my phone. My parents still take care of that for me, thank goodness. I'm glad I have parents that still support me in some way. But yeah, so it's like I can't even pay for groceries and what am I supposed to do? I don't want to go into work because I'm not making. I'm not making any money. And what is the point? What is the point? So genuinely, what should I do? Because I don't know how much longer I can do this.”

Wall Street Apes

268,252 views • 1 year ago

🚨TRUMP: "This is the weave. They used to say I ramble. I don't ramble. I do a weave. Do you know what a weave is? It's a story. And as you're telling the story you realize there's a little offshoot. The key is that you have to come back. Then you do another weave. Then sometimes you do a weave off of a weave. And then you go back. It's called the weave." "You always have to end up in the right place or else you're rambling. But no, I have a very fertile brain. It's the weave, you can cover like 15 subplots, but then you get down to the final answer."

🚨TRUMP: "This is the weave. They used to say I ramble. I don't ramble. I do a weave. Do you know what a weave is? It's a story. And as you're telling the story you realize there's a little offshoot. The key is that you have to come back. Then you do another weave. Then sometimes you do a weave off of a weave. And then you go back. It's called the weave." "You always have to end up in the right place or else you're rambling. But no, I have a very fertile brain. It's the weave, you can cover like 15 subplots, but then you get down to the final answer."

Autism Capital 🧩

302,931 views • 2 years ago

Ming Li spoke about attending Cardi B's concert and whether she feels the need to pick sides: "I wasn't trying to be shady. I felt like, you know, at the time I was hanging out with my friends and my peoples, and they wanted to go out, and I wanna go out too. And if I'm not staying in the house by myself, so I was like, should we not go outside, drink, have fun, or stay in the house, be bored, watch TV? I ain't doing that sh*t, so I was like, it's like for the one time. And everyone that was hating on me or loving me after that, they were still on my Instagram page, still on my TikTok, still following me around. So I feel like at the end of the day, no matter what I do, it's gonna either be a blessing and a curse when it comes to my sister. I don't feel like I have to pick a side. I feel like, if y'all not putting money in my pockets, there's no side to pick. Or if I feel like y'all not either my family, or y'all not in our family circle to tell me anything you can't really let me know about what I should, should not feel. I'm still young, we're all gonna have a liking to some artist. We're all gonna have a liking to some people, some song."

Ming Li spoke about attending Cardi B's concert and whether she feels the need to pick sides: "I wasn't trying to be shady. I felt like, you know, at the time I was hanging out with my friends and my peoples, and they wanted to go out, and I wanna go out too. And if I'm not staying in the house by myself, so I was like, should we not go outside, drink, have fun, or stay in the house, be bored, watch TV? I ain't doing that sh*t, so I was like, it's like for the one time. And everyone that was hating on me or loving me after that, they were still on my Instagram page, still on my TikTok, still following me around. So I feel like at the end of the day, no matter what I do, it's gonna either be a blessing and a curse when it comes to my sister. I don't feel like I have to pick a side. I feel like, if y'all not putting money in my pockets, there's no side to pick. Or if I feel like y'all not either my family, or y'all not in our family circle to tell me anything you can't really let me know about what I should, should not feel. I'm still young, we're all gonna have a liking to some artist. We're all gonna have a liking to some people, some song."

Mílagro Press

200,516 views • 6 months ago

Ran Neuner reveals he bought his first Bitcoin at $400 and his $ZEC entry at $100 to $150 "I don't buy and trade 10 times a day. I buy and I hold and it's been the best. My first Bitcoin, $400. Today Bitcoin's at $80,000, that's 200 times the money." "My entry price on Zcash is public, between $100 and $150. I'm not trading in and out. I have a thesis, my thesis is that private money will be real money and that will be the money that people actually use."

Ran Neuner reveals he bought his first Bitcoin at $400 and his $ZEC entry at $100 to $150 "I don't buy and trade 10 times a day. I buy and I hold and it's been the best. My first Bitcoin, $400. Today Bitcoin's at $80,000, that's 200 times the money." "My entry price on Zcash is public, between $100 and $150. I'm not trading in and out. I have a thesis, my thesis is that private money will be real money and that will be the money that people actually use."

Cake

34,305 views • 26 days ago